Being the oldest sibling comes with a lot of responsibility. I’ve seen it firsthand with the way I’m raising Holden. Sometimes, this responsibility may be helping his brother Sebastian or helping me or my husband. With it comes a sense of pressure. I feel like I often put too much pressure on Holden, and that’s not always fair to him.
Holden is in middle school now, but Sebastian was lucky to have him in the same elementary school for two years. I had a sense of calm knowing that Holden would keep an extra eye out for him. We had situations on the bus where Holden needed to help Sebastian. Sebastian loved having his older brother at school because he functioned as a security blanket. I was told by their teachers that when they saw one another, they would get excited and hug each other. In fact, on Holden’s last day of school as a fifth-grader, Sebastian was sad because he would never get to see him at school again. He said, “What will I do without Holden at school with me?”
Not only must Holden set an example for Sebastian, but he has to be extra patient. Just as it’s not always easy to parent Sebastian, it’s not easy being his big brother. Holden yearns to be closer to Sebastian. He wants to feel the bond that most brothers have, but Sebastian is often unable to reciprocate Holden’s love and affection. A simple hug can get Sebastian riled up and dysregulated. We explain to Holden that Sebastian loves him very much, but that it’s hard for him to show it. Although Holden understands this, he can’t always accept it. After all, he’s only 12 years old.
I know Holden loves Sebastian with all his heart. They may argue and fight. Holden may get frustrated and angry with Sebastian, but he would do anything for him. When I start to feel sorry for the challenges Holden encounters as Sebastian’s big brother, I try to pause and reflect on what he’s learning from the situation — things that can’t be taught in a classroom. I believe the most important benefit to having a neurodiverse, younger sibling is acceptance.
Holden accepts people for who they are, and that is helping to create a kinder, more tolerant world. Exactly what we need.