We’ve endured a challenging last few months, as we’ve been adjusting Sebastian’s medication to help with his irritability and aggression. He was off from school all of Thanksgiving week.
As I’ve written before, there are generally two schools of thought regarding medication. If I’d once been on the fence about whether Sebastian should be medicated, I can now definitely say that he very much needs a stimulant to calm him down and help him focus. He was dysregulated for almost the entire week.
He was extremely hyper, trying to get his brother’s attention in all the wrong ways: jumping on him, wrestling him, and being overly physical. Not in a malicious way; just an attention-seeking way. His brother would then get revved up. They were both loud and out of control, and I often found myself raising my voice and sending them to their rooms. By dinner each night, I was irritable and exhausted.
The lack of structure from being off school was one thing, but being stuck inside because of the cold weather was another. When I would calmly ask Sebastian to do something or redirect him, I would get a defiant, “No!” Or he would laugh at me like it was a game. He was trying to gain my attention. However, I knew exactly how to proceed from my experience with teaching and behavior — remain calm, withhold attention, and continue to place the demand until he complies. I did that sometimes, but not all the time. I was too frustrated, worn out, tired, and broken down. It’s difficult to “follow procedure” every time your child demonstrates an undesirable behavior. You are flat-out emotionally drained!
The boys are unruly and bickering with one another, not listening to me, and talking back. All this is causing me and my husband to argue. I had that feeling like I’m the worst mother and have done everything wrong.
I always tell myself that it’s OK to feel what I’m feeling — to be frustrated, upset, and angry. But I don’t let myself stay down for long. I cried a little bit, then wiped away the tears and started with my night prayers. I prayed for understanding, patience, strength, and guidance. The next morning, we were all headed to church, and I was still reeling emotionally. The song “Unsteady” from X Ambassadors came on the radio:
“Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady”
“If you love me, don’t let go”
I’m not always the perfect parent. I can be messy, make mistakes, and lose my cool — not all the time but sometimes. That just makes me human. We all have areas we can improve in, both as people and as parents.